Gta San Andreas Funny Radio Quotes

Due to the nature of every Show Within a Show in Grand Theft Auto, it can be argued that the entire concept is one Crowning Moment of Funny. Here are some specific ones, though.

• In GTA 3, the Citizens Raging Against Phones group on Chatterbox is hilarious.

  Protestor: Liberty City was great, before phones ruined everything.
  Lazlow: Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture, and three houses when the telephone was invented.
  Protestor: LIAR!
  Lazlow: You're the liar!
  Protestor: Liar, liar, pants on fire!
  Lazlow: What are you- Are you-are you three years old?
  Protestor: Lazlow's a liar, Lazlow's a liar! I bet that isn't even your real name!
  Lazlow: Shut up!
  Protestor: You shut up!
  Lazlow: Stupid!
  Protestor: Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!
  Lazlow: Ugh, we're going to commercial.

• The call that Lazlow receives from Freddy, who says he "needs a nanny" to spank him. Even funnier, is that soon after another caller tells Lazlow that she'd hire a nanny to teach kids some manners, Freddy calls Lazlow again, overhearing the call, before Lazlow cuts him off.

  Lazlow: God, who gave this guy a green card?!

  • Comes back in Vice City when he calls K-Chat and Amy wonders who let him into the country.
• K-Chat has a bizarre line-up of guests, all of which befuddle Amy the presenter:
  • Mr. Zoo, an Expy for Steve Irwin who likes animals rather too much. His segment ends with doctors arriving to take him back to the hospital.
  • Gethsemene, a Granola Girl who is definitely not a witch.
  • Claude Maginot, Classically Trained Extra stuck in sitcom hell but selling his True Art Is Incomprehensible play "In The Future There Will Be Robots". Features a return of Morgan Merryweather to compliment Claude's tight costume.
  • Michaela Carapardis, academic and Straw Feminist who Does Not Like Men.
• Just about every second put to the airwaves of "Pressing Issues with Maurice Chavez" on VCPR. His guests are lunatics, and Maurice grows increasingly frustrated with them. You know you are in for a good time when a death-obsessed goth is the most normal guest on his show.

  Maurice: Dios mio, he shot him! T-there's blood and pubic hair all over the studio! Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete pandemonium here on "Pressing Issues" with your award-winning and soon-to-be-executed host Maurice Chavez.

• The Exploder commercial, but specially this bit:

  Some Guy: "Tim! They've got your wife!"
  Tim: "But I'm not married!"
  Some Guy: "You are now! TO AMERICA!"

• The Personal Norse Power Program:
  • On women:

    Thor: "Treasure awaits you but beware of your women folk, treachery is deep within her. By the coming of the spring, she shall be no more."

  • Relationship advice:

    Woman: "Can you give my husband and I advice to keep things hot in the bedroom?"
    Thor: "Take a longboat and twenty of your finest men. Head to where the sun sets. There you will find a village. Pillage, plunder and burn all that you find."

• V-Rock:

  Lazlow: "Don't forget Love Fist are in town right now or is that Love Fist is in town? Whatever, I flunked school 'cause I'm hardcore."

  • Don't forget the time when Lazlow was only an intern while Cousin Ed was a full-fledged DJ in Vice City Stories:
• This quote is from an interview segment with a cop in GTA San Andreas: "Yeah, I work undercover in a crackhouse. It's great, I get to smoke crack everyday! I even brought my wife undercover and made her a crack whore! Say hi to the newsman, bitch!"
• This snippet from Just or Unjust on GTA IV's WKTT:

  Announcer: Welcome back to Just or Unjust with the Case of the Scratched Truck and the Underage Fuck!

• The end of the Pacemaker talk show on PLR in GTA IV. Waylon Mason, driven to Rage-Breaking Point, whips out a drill with the intention of drilling into one of the two other interviewees' head for testing his patience. What makes the scene is how nonchalant Ryan McFallon, the show's host, is throughout the entire situation, first asking for Mason to calm down, then calmly saying this when Mason is unsure of who to drill as the show's running time is nearly over:

  Ryan: "I tell you what, Mr. Mason, just drill them both, please. Just hurry up, because that's just about all the time for folks this week on the Pacemaker." *Pleasant jingle plays as Mason drills his victims' heads while Ryan continues coaxing him to stop*

• Pretty much any time you turn on the TV in GTA IV.
  • The Republican Space Rangers. And how. The following quote pretty much sums the whole show up:
• "Dragon Stance!"
• The Funktipus on Bounce FM in San Andreas is a goldmine of hilarious quotes. For example, at the end of the song "I Can Make You Dance" by Zapp:

  The Funktipus: That's right, the Funktipus can make you dance, just like Zapp - Roger Troutman is a genius, spreadin' the funk sauce, bakes yourself like a chicken, jump in the oven. Roast funk, y'all! Yeah, roast funk will roast your ass.

• Sage from Radio X in San Andreas gives us this gem.

  "You just can't argue with Depeche Mode. I've tried. You just can't do it. I asked David Gaughan to move into my house. He said no."

• An advert for San Andreas Telephone in SA:

  Caller: Hello, is Mark there?
  Mark: ...Yeah?
  Caller: It's me, Shanon. We met at Jack's party?
  Mark: Yeah! How can I forget, wow how are you doing? I haven't heard from you in, uh...
  Caller: Nine months?
  [Long pause as a baby starts crying in the background.].

• Lazlow's Integrity 2.0 interview with a Central American hot-dog vendor concludes with him seizing the guy by the back of the head and shoving his face into the water tank.

  "HOW DO YOU LIKE AMERICA NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?!"

• In GTA III, a person rings in bringing a warning.

  Lazlow: Hello, caller, you're on the air! Are you sane? Are you a sane caller?
  Caller: Absolutely, Lazlow. Killer bees!
  Lazlow: K-killer bees.
  Caller: Yes! Killer bees! Did you know that if the current migration north continues, we will be dead in three years? Do you want to become a bee supper? I don't. That's why we must act now! Killer bees must be stopped!
  Lazlow: I wonder why more people aren't talking about this. I mean, killer bees swarming; it sounds pretty serious.
  Caller: Ah, but the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't kill them. They are like sheep! They're going to take over!

• In Liberty City Stories Lazlow's call for sanity doesn't work:

  Lazlow: This is Chatterbox, hello, please be a normal human being.
  Caller: Lazlow, your show sucks!
  Lazlow: Dude, you're gonna get no argument from me, today's show is rubbish! What do you want to talk about?
  Caller: How come I can't eat people?
  Lazlow: Okay, who says you can't? What are you, a socialist, or something?
  Caller: (shouting) Talk more about eating people!

• "DON'T YOU GO DISRESPECTING COCONUT WATER". Topped only by the realization that what he thought was Tibet was actually Wales.
• Blaine County Radio. Oh my god, is it hilarious.

  Bobbi June: I don't judge people...well, not white people.

  • These bits from Blaine Country Radio Community Hour .

    Caller: We all know it's common knowledge; polio's like a snake bite. You just suck out the poison. People in wheelchairs are quitters!

    Trevor: Ron, you there? You better not put me on your show you fucking prick or I'll drink the blood from your still pumping veins!
    Ron: What a guy!

• Flying Lotus takes a break from DJing FLyLo FM to answer some callers:

  Flying Lotus: Let's go to the phones real quick.
  Man: Yeah I'm callin' in to request... uh... any music, that ain't this. Stop playing everything that you been playing because your music sounds like a dumpster rollin' down five flights o' stairs!

  • Not just any man, mind you - it's Carl.
  • Usually, before "Garbage" plays, you can hear an advertisement for FlyLo FM by the one and only Tyler, the Creator.

    Tyler: Young nigga live, FlyLo FM, that's the best radio station in the whole everywhere! I don't give a fuck, nigga, if you ain't listenin' to FlyLo FM not only is you a bitch, but you a bitch-ass niggaaaa!!! ...Ya nigga.

• The entire interview between OG Loc and Lazlow in San Andreas:

  Lazlow: Look, I don't know what you said but.. uh... this ought to calm me down... I brought you some malt liquor.
  OG Loc: You's a BUSTA fool. Lucky I don't hang you out the window, or turn you out, 'cause I'm also a pimp. Including dudes, I'll pimp ANYTHING, ya hear me?
  Lazlow: Dude! I hear ya loud and clear man, you will pimp anything. Listen, how many hot women need a man? 'Cause I mean, it's always been a dream of mine to sleep with housewives.
  OG Loc: ARE. YOU. DISSIN. MY. HOES. BITCH?!

• The final segment of Lonely Hearts from San Andreas, particularly the Hostile Show Takeover

  Fernando: You talk too much, lady. For example, if you look out the window you will see your car is on fire.
  Kirsty: Oh my god!
  (sound of her running, and a door slamming, followed by someone else entering the room)
  Fernando: Fernando is back!

• James Pedeaston of The Wild Traveler in San Andreas has some utterly glorious comebacks for the "uncultured" callers he gets.

  "Well, that sounds lovely. With people like you around, it's no wonder we don't bother curing cancer."
  "I hear that there is a casino in Las Venturas that is just like the rest of the world! Only with better toilets, and full of morons like you!"

• Reed Tucker's attempt to chop a desk in half with a karate chop is only met with derision from Lazlo and a broken hand.

  Reed: Dragon Stance!

• Mary-Beth Mabel's quoting her mother:

  "Life is a transitory set of signifiers, and the dialectic will come out", as my momma said, when daddy got drunk and horny with the pigs.

• One of the adverts for the Bank of Los Santos.

  Wife: Look at that, the Hendersons got a new fence.
  Husband: Who cares? They're swingers.
  Wife: I want a new fence.
  Husband: We just got one two years ago after your parents were killed.
  Wife: I want a new fence! That's it, we're never having sex again!

• The ending of the Princess Robot Bubblegum episode in V, in which the Tentacle Rape Monster sings a song admitting they ran out of ideas and had no idea how to end the episode. This is a parody of the Gainax Ending.

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Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/GTARadio

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